I don’t know whether I should write this or not but after much pondering I am writing this. I am fifty five married and my life revolves around my family — things like what to cook for each meal, whether the maid has arrived or not is of utmost importance in my life. But a few years ago my husband and I stopped having sex. I was around 40 then.
He is diabetic so he became impotent. That was the reason we stopped.
We never voiced it, neither he nor me. We continued sharing our bed. We still had conversations regarding friends, our families etc. It was all normal. It was against my upbringing to question him. I know I sound like sanskari Alok Nath ji but seriously it’s true. I was brought up to be this person. I wanted to give him respect, stepping on all my wants and needs in life. I’m still not sure if I was right.
The truth is, I thought of sex many times in the past few years. I envied my friends who spoke about their sex lives. It’s not that I stopped loving my husband, I still do but there is a slight resentment that I wished he had spoken about it and done something about it. I go along with all the jokes that everyone cracks with snide remarks about sex. I also pretend that everything is normal and we have a rocking sex life.
But, sometimes I do wish I had spoken earlier.
It’s been fifteen years but I still think about sex. I wonder if we had continued having it, would have I loved him more or am I obsessed with this term. I feel unfaithful even talking about my relationship with my husband. But it’s just one of those things I can’t get out of my head. I wonder how many of us are in sexless marriages and never stray. If it was a man in India he would have definitely strayed and boasted about it. Now that I’m much older and anything but wiser, I regret certain decisions in my life. I detest what I was taught as a young girl, it is not fair.
I still miss a touch on my body, a caress, some tenderness. I know things are good for me but I would have been happier if there was physical intimacy between me and my husband.
Had it been me who was impotent, I’m not sure what my husband would’ve said or done. I should have taken a stand I suppose, I deserve simple pleasures of life too don’t I? I deserve it as much as a man does. I got through my life without it, but I wouldn’t ever recommend any other helpless woman to do what I did. Talk it out, come to a conclusion, but don’t let your life go. It only comes once.
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