I Am Fat And I’m Ugly And I’m Scared Of My Reflection: This Is My Fat Acceptance Movement

If they are fat, its not their mistake. Here is a heart wrenching story of a girl who starts her fat acceptance movement.

Hey Fatty!
Muffin, you look so adorable! Let me pull your cheeks!
Hi, my baby elephant! Look at you!

And, I have had more than a gazillion names and ways in which people can describe my physical appearance. From being an elephant to a rhino; from a mammoth to a faggot-you name anything that was big and you could relate it to me.

I always thought these names were pretty cute; I mean, who wouldn’t want to be called a little sweet chocolate muffin or an adorable koala bear? But the fear of rejection developed in me soon after, because of which I was starting to get uncomfortable in my very own skin. I don’t know what I had done to you, for you to break the confidence it took me years to build.

It was getting tougher by the day!

If I wanted to fit in with everyone, I had to get used to the not-so-cute names and learn how to laugh at the expense of my appearance. Laughing at myself was the only way to live and get treated normally by everyone.

If I begin to take offense to how everyone treats me, I’ll be left all alone in a corner with nothing but all of my fat to comfort me. And, that’s the thing with us humans. We are scared of being alone. I am no different.

But I wasn’t always like this. I was in fact, a different person altogether.

But then, HE came along one fine day. He probably had to but he shouldn’t have.

Hey there, beautiful! Care to chat?

The message popped open on the right-bottom corner of my desktop screen. I probably read that one-line message over a million times before finally breathing. An unknown guy had called me BEAUTIFUL! Perhaps it was time to celebrate?!

Almost crying with excitement and happiness, I replied back. Hey! Yeah, sure.

I sat up straight on my bed and started to obsess over him. This guy must surely like me. He actually called me that after having seen all my photographs on the profile. And has not found me FAT and that’s why has messaged! He didn’t call me FAT or make fun of me! Wow!

I didn’t know that was even possible but more importantly, I didn’t know where this was going.

So, as the days flew by, the fatty realised that she was in love!

It was a long distance relationship. We never met. We would talk every day and all night. In the meanwhile, I forgot all my other problems of fitting in. Because I didn’t care! I had him for myself and he loved me for the way I was. I didn’t need anyone else. I was happy with the way things were going.

Then, one Saturday morning, he asked if I could video chat with him. I said yes, obviously, and got ready for my first encounter with the guy I was in love with. That morning, my excitement knew no bounds!

We got along in no time. Little giggles and silly talks, that’s all we did all day till he said, Get up, I want to see how my babe looks. That request of his made me sweat even in that December cold. I gathered all the courage I could and thought to myself, If he really loves me, it shouldn’t really matter what I look like on the outside.

Then, I took a deep breath and stood up. But the look on his face gave it all away. He swallowed hard and asked me to sit. We spoke for a while longer but that was the last time I heard from him. I don’t remember talking to him again. Ever.

That broke my heart.

I’m not fat by choice. I’ve always been this way : thick flab hanging from both sides of my waist and a fat tummy which hardly hides behind my tee shirts. I wear trousers that are two sizes larger because of my thighs. Jeans are a big No-No because I hardly get my size!

I never wear those beautiful dresses because my overly bulky arms make me look like a rhinoceros! And, to top it all I have big framed glasses that make me look like a cartoon and an even uglier smile.

I never lacked self-confidence. I was very happy in my own skin until you came. Until each one of you came and laughed at me. You called me names. You didn’t introduce me into your group because I wouldn’T really fit in. You never fell in love with me because you were scared I would break your bed. You didn’t want to stand with me because people would judge you. You never looked at me like you would at any other girl, just because I was fat. And, that’s where I lost my confidence.

That’s where I decided it would be better to laugh at myself and call myself names instead of being away from the people that I really cared about; because by doing this, at least a faggot like me has a shoulder to cry on.

I am scared to face my own reflection in the mirror, thanks to all of you. But you must know that I care for you. I care abouT each one of you.

This post was written by Pankhuri Malhotra.

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