Hi. It’s been awhile. I would like to say that I miss you, but part of me knows that you probably don’t care. Part of me still hopes that you do though. I would also like to say that I’m sorry. I wish things didn’t end the way they did between us. There wasn’t room in our hearts to forgive at that time, and now too much time has passed. It’s too late.
But now, I would like to say I’m sorry for a number of things. I’m sorry that you have to answer questions about how I’m doing to your family and our old friends. I’m sorry that I call someone new my best friend. I’m sorry that I made you responsible for a lot of my secrets. I’m sorry that I didn’t care more. I’m sorry that we aren’t making all the memories we thought we would. I’m sorry for never uploading those photos of us, and now it would just be weird. And I’m sorry that it is weird. Us not being friends is weird.
With all the apologies, I also want to thank you. I want to thank you for letting me get to know your family, and for being my second family when mine forgot about me. For letting me call you my best friend. For keeping my secrets no matter what. For being open and honest with me always. For encouraging me to be more open and honest about myself. For all the memories we share and all the embarrassing photos that now plague our Timehops. Thank you for being the perfect friend for that time in my life.
When we were young teenagers, we thought the whole world wasn’t that large. We got our licenses back to back, and we would travel everywhere because we could. We never thought that the rest of the world could tear us apart the way it did. We could never imagine a time in our lives when a boy would be more important to us than each other. Nor could we ever imagine a summer vacation without laying in your backyard looking at stars. We grew up quickly, and then lost each other in the mix.
I hope that this boyfriend of yours is the one and that he doesn’t break your heart. I hope you graduate and find your dream job. I hope you don’t get stuck living somewhere you dislike. And I hope that your family is doing well too. That’s the thing about ex-best friends… I still hope you’re doing well because despite everything: you deserve it. You deserve to be loved, to be happy, and to be healthy.
I will always read your updates, I will always stalk your photos, and I will always watch your Snapchats. Because for me, the friendship is a fond memory and the fact that you’re still the same goofy person I was friends with in my awkward middle school to high school years makes me happy. I will always hope for the best today, on your last final of college, on your wedding day, and before all major life events. And when my kids and your kids become the age we were when we became friends, I will look back fondly at the years we spent eating too much Ben and Jerry’s, crying over boys, and encouraging each other to be brave young women who stand for themselves.
Just because we aren’t best friends, it doesn’t mean I hate you. Read that again. Just because we aren’t best friends, it doesn’t mean I hate you. In fact, it means just the opposite. Because we were best friends, I love you a lot and always will. I know this is true because in five years when I run into you at the supermarket, or at the mall because I’m home for whatever strange reason, we will be happy to see each other. We will probably hug and exchange awkward conversation about how you didn’t know I was in town, and small talk about how our lives are going right now.
I look forward to this day because I will get to see your smile that brightened up every room you walked in. I might get a small scent of the house I practically grew up in. And I will get to hear about all of the amazing things you’ve done since we stopping catching up. For a brief moment neither of us will remember why our foolish twenty-year-old selves stopped being friends and we will be cordial with each other. I look forward to bumping into you and hearing about your husband, and your kids, and to see the sparkle in your eye that you always get when you really love something and are truly happy. I look forward to hearing that you’re happy.
So just know, I’m not mad at you. I’m not mad anymore. I wish you all the best and all the happiness. And know, I’ll always love to see your updates. I’ll always be rooting for you.